The Airport, The Camper And The Burning Volvo

On July 25th Lindie Erasmus returned from South Korea after two years. Her plan was to come to CapeTown first, because her dad lives here now, and obviously also because Gerdus and I live here.

Her flight was scheduled to land in Cape Town at 11:15 am. Before she left Korea I told her that I will also meet her at the airport. I had never met her dad before that day, so I figured I will just meet him there and introduce myself. Her flight came in via Johannesburg and I walked into the domestic arrivals hall at 11:13 and started looking for her dad. To my surprise he was nowhere in sight. There weren't a lot of people there so I was sure I wasn't being retarded. With no way of contacting him, except for Facebook, I went online and saw that he had posted some stuff just 9 minutes earlier. I sent him a message and asked him where he was, but with no success.

My brain started working overtime. Maybe he was waiting at international arrivals and didn't know that she flew in via Johannesburg. Maybe he was running late. Maybe he had car trouble. Maybe he had the time wrong, but I know Lindie gave him the correct time. And the one I feared the most was, maybe he forgot his daughter was coming home after two years. 

Approximately 30 minutes after her flight had landed I saw her in the back of the hallway leading to the arrivals hall. I had no idea what was I going to say. Maybe: Your dad forgot you are coming home, but welcome back!! So I just welcomed her and told her that I had no idea where her dad was. We walked to international arrivals to see if he was waiting there, but no luck. Like good old Murphy at his best, Lindie's Korean cellphone with her dad's number on decided to pass on to less technological pastures as soon as it entered the borders of South Africa. After waiting outside the terminal building for a few minutes we decided that we are just going to go. I knew her dad lives in Bellville, so we would just go there and send him a smoke signal or something. 

While driving we did some thinking, made some phone calls and finally got his number. I phoned him to tell him that I had Lindie with me and that we were on our way to his house. I think it goes without saying that it was quite an awkward conversation. He had gotten confused with the time she was going to land in Cape Town because of all the delays she had in Korea and Hong Kong caused by the typhoon. So we got his address and headed there to wait for him. 

That weekend two of Lindie's friends, Morne and Selmari, came from George to visit for the weekend and we decided to take the camper, drive down the coast and find a place to spend the night. I think it is safe to say that we didn't plan anything, at all. We just loaded our bags, stopped at the gas station to get some petrol and then we hit the road. 

Road trip!!! (Photo taken by Gerdus)

We headed past Gordon's Bay and found a place to stop and have a barbecue for lunch. After that we drove on and found an awesome camping spot right next to the beach where we stayed for the night. The bags of awesome Woolworths food that Selmari brought was consumed entirely. We ate like freaking yetties! Nom, nom, nom!

The Sunday morning we started heading back and made a stop for lunch at the Spur in the Strand, which wasn't such a great idea. We couldn't complain about the service, because there wasn't any. Poor Gerdus, Morne and Selmari probably got the worst Surf 'n Turfs in history. Not happy campers.

Being not so happily filled with food we are on the road again. We had one concern, however, and that was that we were not sure how much petrol we had left. The gas needle of the camper was all over the place and after a few rough calculations Gerdus and I reckoned that there is a small chance that we might actually make it back to Bellville, if we drive half the speed limit. There would be gas stations somewhere on the way there so it wouldn't be too big a train smash if we ran out of petrol. As we were leaving Somerset West we drove past a gas station on the national road and probably 5km further the camper gave a few chokes and then kept going again, for about 5 seconds, and then it died. I pulled over to the side of the road and then it was time to make a plan. We had an empty 3 or 4 liter bottle and a machete and all decided against phoning Lindie's dad. Gerdus and Morne volunteered to walk back to the gas station to get some gas. What we didn't realise at that moment was that we ran out of petrol right next to Khayelitsha, the biggest township in Cape Town, and probably the most dangerous place as well. And to make it worse, the sun was setting fast. I only saw the Khayelitsha sign when Gerdus and Morne were well on their way to the gas station and they phoned us seconds after I saw the sign to tell us that they were on their way back. A guy driving toward Somerset West stopped on the other side of the road to tell them that they were crazy to walk next to the road in the area, especially when it's getting dark. He offered to take the bottle and go buy some petrol.

At the exact same time that Gerdus and Morne made it back to the camper a Volvo V50, with steam bubbling from the bonnet, stopped a few meters behind us. The steam soon turned into smoke, accompanied by a few sparks falling from under the engine. At this point the family occupying the car, Mr Husband and Mrs Wife, little baby and the dog, evacuated the car. They were barely out of the car when the entire engine bay burst into flames. Just as the inferno began our hero arrived with the petrol. Fearing that the Volvo might decide to explode Gerdus immediately started pouring the petrol into the petrol tank while Morne and I pulled the camper forward, out of harm's way.

While this whole fiasco was taking place at least two police cars drove past us and not one stopped to offer help. Good to know who we shouldn't call in case of an emergency. With a little petrol in the tank again we weren't really sure whether we should get going and leave the family stranded next to Khayelitsha in the dark or stay with them so we could get robbed and murdered together. Helping us make our decision was an ambulance and another car that came to the rescue. As soon as they stopped we took off and by that time the interior of the Volvo was already burning as well.

Knowing more or less how much petrol we had at that time Gerdus and I started doing the math again, and this time we were pretty sure that we would just make it back to Bellville. Finally in Bellville on our way to the house we passed a gas station again, but being so close at that point we just kept going. After reaching the house the camper died again in the driveway. There was just enough fumes left in the tank to get it back into the yard. Needless to say, it was probably the most random and eventful weekend we've had in a long time.

Just before the real fireworks began. It's the only photo we have. I made a
video of the whole fiasco that I still need to get from Lindie. As soon as I
do I will upload it. 

The Elevator That Is Out To Get Me

ou know those days when almost everything that can go wrong goes wrong, when you feel that Lady Luck is being a bitch? Well, this was one of those weeks for me.

After already having a crappy week, my mom called yesterday morning and told me that she found out that my internet bill, for only half a month, is already over R10,000. The exact words I used in the response to the news are not for the faint-hearted, so I will spare you that. I have uncapped internet, which obviously means that no matter how freaking much I download or upload or whatever, it is impossible to get a bill for more than the monthly subscription fee. Right? Apparently not in South Africa. Later I was just like, There is no (insert swear word here) way I am paying that. They obviously (insert swear word here)-up, THEY can (insert swear word here) pay the bill. After a long day of my parents fighting with the internet provider, they found out I wasn't the only one with an internet bill almost as big as my paycheck in South Korea. So I was right, they did screw up. If they do not have it fixed soon they better start running, fast, and far away.

Then today. My grams and I go for lunch in a shopping center every Friday. It is on the first floor, so we always take the elevator up from the ground floor. You should know that this is the same elevator that, upon opening, unleashed an old senile lady who ran to me saying Let me kiss you! Let me kiss you! a few weeks ago. My grams was like She's probably senile, and I was like Ya think?! So after having lunch today we were getting into the elevator on our way down when an old gentleman joined us asking if we could go up first. He had lost his wife in the shop and needed to take a pee-brake in the bathroom on the second floor before continuing the search for his wife. Up to the second floor, drop off the old gentleman, doors close, start to go down to the first floor when all of a sudden the elevator came to a shaking stop and we were standing there in total darkness. I was like Now isn't this magical?! So I told grams to stay calm, turned on the flashlight on my phone and looked for the panic button, pressed it and listened to the buzzer after which absolutely nothing happened. I saw an emergency number above the panic button and decided to dial it. Ring...ring...Hallo and thank you for calling our customer service helpline. Your call is important to us. Please hold for the first available service consultant to take your call. I don't know why but I wasn't surprised at all. Seconds later the elevator started to vibrate gently and just like seeing the gates of Heaven open the elevator door slowly started to open with bright light flooding the elevator.

As we stepped out of the elevator, on the first floor where we got in 5 minutes earlier, the old gentlemen was coming down the stairs after his pee on the second floor, completely oblivious of what had just happened. Before taking the stairs down  to the ground floor I stopped, and You have no idea how close you just came to peeing yourself is what I wanted to say to him, but instead I said You have no idea how lucky you just were. 

The Day Of The Poltergeist Pigeon

y parents have a pigeon, but not just any pigeon. This one thinks he's either a dog or a person. The fact that he could be a pigeon has never crossed his mind. He sleeps inside the house at night, but is on his own mission during the day. There are a few things he likes to do:

Help in the kitchen...

Take a bath in the dog's water bowl...

Take a nap with the dog...

Bite your feet...

Help pull weeds...

Take a nap on your lap...

Get pampered...

Have friends over.

When you chase him, he doesn't fly away, he runs away. That is only the days when he is not chasing after you. He also doesn't fly in or out of the house, he walks. When someone is at the front door, he goes and welcomes the guests. He cleans the dogs eyes. He wakes you in the morning when he thinks it's time to get up. He tries to make phone calls, use the computer and make love to your foot. The list goes on. Bottom line, this is no normal pigeon.

Right, getting back to why I am actually writing this. My dad found strange marks on the glass of the sliding backdoor. Upon closer inspection he found this...

The poltergeist pigeon.

First thought of course is stupid bird. But there are other plausible scenarios as well.

1. Instead of just a stupid bird, it could be evidence of attempted forced entry by a criminal bird. Still stupid if you ask me.

2. It could be my parents' pigeon. Only problem? He never flies into the house. Explanations? Maybe he was drunk, or forced by an evil bird, or wanted to commit suicide. But there have been previous opportunities for him to commit suicide if he really wanted to.

Like jump in this pot of steaming soup...

3. The scenario that makes the most sense to me, due to the intensity of the evidence left on the door, is this. It was a poltergeist pigeon. Apparently they are vicious beings that haven't been seen by many people. Their presence can only be identified by the trails they leave behind. Thanks Kate O'Grady for informing me of these undead beings.

Which one it was I'll never know for sure, but my money is on number 3.

The Night My Sister Had Magical Powers

bout two weeks ago at my parents' house we were all watching a show on the tele one night when I noticed my sister wasn't with us anymore. I went downstairs to look for her and this is what I found...

I knew she was watching too much Charmed.

So it turned out my sister had magical powers. Witch! No, not really. I read online about levitation photography and wanted to give it a try. I decided what I wanted the photo to look like, set everything up and only needed someone to be in the photo. Here sista, sista! My beautiful sis was more that willing to help. With everything set I lit the candles, told her to sit in the middle, hold the candle, levitate herself and then the candle and then I will take the photo. She did exactly as I had instructed and I snapped. Voila!

If only. Here is how it was and can be done:

1. Go on a scavenger hunt in my parents' house and get as many pretty candles as possible. ( Don't use ugly candles. They will spoil the aesthetic value of the set. Have some style! )

2. Drape an old bedspread over a cupboard. ( Don't use a new one. It will spoil the aesthetic value of the set. Witches were poor people! )

3. Put a nice, oldish throw on the floor. ( Refer to no. 2 for pointers on what not to do. )

4. Place the candles, except one, leaving a space in the middle of the throw.

5. Place a chair in the open spot.

6. Put the camera on a tripod and place it in position.

7. Instruct sister to sit.

8. Light the candles. ( Don't do no. 8 before no. 7. Sister might knock over a candle while trying to sit. Everything will burn! )

9. Put a thick book on sister's lap. ( Make sure it can't bend. If it can, someone or something is gonna burn! )

10. Put a drinking glass upside down on the book.

11. Put the extra candle on the bottom of the upside down glass.

12. Light the candle.

13. Tell sister to pretend she is making the candle levitate with her hands. ( Not her feet. She will fall and burn! )

14. Snap the first photo.

15. Tell sister to remain in the fake levitation position.

16. Blow out the candle on the glass.

17. Remove the candle, glass and the book from sister's lap.

18. Snap the second photo.

19. Help sister of the chair without burning anything.

20. Take the chair away.

21. Snap the third photo.

22. Blow out the candles.

23. Clean up and put everything where you found it. ( If you don't, your mom will most likely get angry with you. )

Photoshop time! Open all three photos in Photoshop. Now, there are a few ways of doing this, but the fastest way is to start with photo 1. This is the one with the chair, book and glass that have to disappear. Use the clone stamp tool and photo 3 to erase the chair in photo 1. Then use clone stamp and photo 2 to erase the book and glass in photo one. I left the bottom of the glass on the bottom of the candle to make it look like a little foot piece for the candle. Now you can just tweak here and there and do some retouching if necessary.

Looking at the photo now it seems like I am the one who watched too much Charmed. I've gotten a few other ideas for levitation photos in the meantime. Once they are finished, I'll post them.

The Day Of The Millipede

ne day in April I was walking across a dirt road in the Baviaanskloof in the Eastern Cape. My eye caught sight of something moving on the ground and after squatting next to it I discovered that it was a millipede. Now you are probably thinking, Dude, seriously. A millipede? This wasn't just any millipede, it was red and black, and the black parts were not rings around it's body. It had three black, horizontal stripes. One on its back, and one on each side.

Now, I am only used to seeing black millipedes. The ones you get in your house, the ones some dogs love to eat, the ones that make your fingers smell like acid pee. So, I obviously had to take a snap. I squatted a little lower, shoved the camera right in the millipedes face, said Smile! and snapped. To my surprise the photo came out with a nice blurred effect in the fore- and background. To make it look even better I HDR'd it, and this is what the little thing looked like.

I got a little curious as to what type of millipede it was and did some Googling. I couldn't find one single photo of a millipede that looked like the one a snapped. Most of them look like this...

A few look like this...

The one above looks a lot like the one I snapped except for the black ring around its neck, which mine didn't have. I shall therefor name mine: The-red-and-black-horizontally-striped-without-the-black-ring-around-its-neck Millipede. If anyone can send me a photo of and some info about a millipede that looks like mine, please do so. Until then, it shall be known as The-red-and-black-horizontally-striped-without-the-black-ring-around-its-neck Millipede, or as The Millipede With The Long-Ass Name.